Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Where did we leave off? Ah yes, I was passed out on my couch while IMDTT journeyed across the country just to see me. My leading thought was that one (or more likely both) of us were headed for a world of serious disappointment, but what the hey.

My parents called around 5 pm as I was trying to muster up the energy to get off the couch and into the shower and trying to decide how raunchy my hair smelled and whether or not I could put off shampooing for another day. My mom, as you might imagine, was SUPER-EXCITED about another opportunity to prostitute me out some more.

M: So....what are you doing?

S: Too embarassed to admit that I've just proudly assembled a bag of Sun Chips, a bag of Dove miniatures, a jar of trail mix and a can of Cherry Coke all strategically within arms reach so as to minimize any effort. I'm studying!

M: Where is IDMTT? Is he there with you?

S: He missed his flight and won't get here until 8.

M: Oh... Quietly confers with someone else, apparently my dad.

Now my dad gets on the phone.

D: Hello, Peg?

S: Yep, still here.

D: Ok, because we are in the parking lot of the hotel IMDTT was supposed to be staying at, because we wanted to see you together.

S: Too stunned to speak.

M: Why didn't you tell us he wasn't coming until later?

S: Because I didn't realize you would be STALKING ME.

D: Uh, so we're kind of tired of sitting in the car. Can we come over for a while?

15 minutes later, my parents are hanging out in my family room while I groom myself for my big meeting with IMDTT.

M: I think you need more lipstick.

P: I'm already wearing lip gloss.

D: Do what your mom says.

Then, I prepare to leave my apartment. Please note, at this time in my life I was still wearing the boot.

M: Why don't you wear a shoe that will match your boot? What did you do to your ankle in the first place? WHY ARE YOU SO CLUMSY AND AWKWARD AND WHY CAN YOU NOT JUST WEAR THE LIPSTICK LIKE I TELL YOU TO WE WILL BE STUCK WITH YOU FOREVER AND YOU WILL NEVER MARRY.

P: You guys need to go home. Jesus crazy.

D: We're leaving. But...uh, first we were hoping you'd be ok with us FOLLOWING YOU THE AIRPORT AND SEEING IMDTT GET IN YOUR CAR. Because we want to see him.

P: You guys already know him! YOU HAVE ALREADY SEEN HIM.

D: So is it ok then?

P: Sometimes the path of least resistance is easiest. Also, one day I will probably torment my own children in a similar fashion. FINE.

D: Ok, but if you see us, you don't know us. And we don't know you.

P: That sounds GREAT. Let's start RIGHT NOW. Also, when did my parents get all ninja?

That pretty much sums up the interesting part of it. I could go on for hours about IMDTT's atrocious ensemble (a two-toned blue/purple monstrosity with hot pink flowers embroidered on it strategically unbuttoned to the xiphoid to display both a thick gold chain and the love rug - this outfit screamed I MEAN SEXY BUSINESS) but I'm trying to cut down on the smack talk. Needless to say, such an auspicious start to our night of passion was pretty much a good indicator of what the rest of the night would be like. We ate at a restaurant and then I dropped him off at his hotel. And then we never spoke to each other again. (Also, in my new move away from smack talk I will refrain from mentioning how he went on and on at dinner about his ex-fiance, a manic depressive psycho who lived at home with her parents and had to be fed Xanax. Hello, desperation!)


Anonymous said...

So I think I speak for us all when I say, PRAISE JESUS Peg is back!! Love, EAK

Anonymous said...

Or Krishna, Mohammed, Abraham, or whoever else you give thanks to. I don't want to be called insensitive. -EAK again

gabbiana said...

HEE. I think I will begin all of my dates now with the proclamation "I MEAN SEXY BUSINESS."

Anonymous said...

Please do not forsake the smack talk.

heh -- heh!

Gautham said...

Aah, another classic assisted marriage post. Please keep them coming, and do not spare the smack talk!

Blooms said...

That was classic! Looking forward to more posts, Peg. Hope all is well.

--Friend of EAK (You and I met like once or twice in IC)

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