Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Square Peg Finds Love. I mean, Stupid People.

Ok, back in Chicago after 2 more interviews! On Saturday I went to Texas to interview at an ob program (the largest and reputably most fun in the country!) and I was NOT disappointed. Who knew Dallas was so fun? I LOVED it!! I could totally see myself in Dallas and I thought the residents were awesome. What can I say? I'm from the midwest, I like to drink beer and watch football. If there's great shopping around too, I'm a happy girl.

The only downside to the program was that I had some weird interviews. I asked about the lack of protected resident research time (very important for fellowships), and I got the sense my interviewer got sort of put on the defensive. The program does not have protected time but I wanted to get a sense for how much research residents were able to do, and I don't know how this happened but I felt like he was sort of yelling at me or accusing me of not wanting to practice medicine and do research instead. If I recall correctly, he said he didn't understand this new class of doctors who "want to work 40 hours a week and have their weekends off."

Ahem. If that's what I expected out of my career, I'd be in business school. I was seething on the inside. Had he even seen my application? Do you think a lazy person did all that? I didn't even want to dignify his comments; I thought my application spoke for itself, but what sucks is on the outside I was all happy happy smile smile laugh and nod. I know it's typical for one to fret about coming across badly during an interview but really, he should be more worried about the impression he left on me. He left such a bad impression on me that the program fell from #1 on my rank list to #8. If that's the faculty I'd have to work with (who 1. don't value research and 2. assume residents are lazy), I don't want to be there. I was furious when I left.

Unfortunately, my next interview was just as much of an odd interaction. I liked my interviewer until she asked me the following question. "Let's say you're getting ready to scrub in for a big gyn onc surgery. Your patient's on the table and you go out to scrub in. You run into the surgeon, who happens to be really old school. He takes one look at you and says, 'You cannot scrub in on my case until you wash off all that makeup and take off all that jewelry.' What do you say?" Well duh, the answer is do whatever the guy says; the patient's already on the table and this is neither the time nor place to be offended. I was just a little dumbfounded by the question. I didn't think my makeup or jewelry was excessive at all but she made me all self conscious about it. Also, that's not a question you'd ask a man. I wonder what she would have asked me had I been male. That's kind of unfair. I really wanted to talk about my research or the fact that I produced The Vagina Monologues, or am a rape crisis counselor, or was president of my school's pro-choice group, or just submitted my very first first-author paper, or do research on pregnant women in the ED, or organized an anti-sexual assault rally in downtown Chicago my first year of med school, but nooooooo I had to think about my makeup and jewelry. Hello glass ceiling! Why? If I was a man I'm SURE I would have been given the opportunity to talk up my accomplishments and prove how excited and dedicated I was. Instead, I was made to feel self conscious for wearing lipstick and having my nose pierced (with a very very tiny little stud, of which the decision to leave in I struggled long and hard with, finally deciding that if a program didn't want to rank me because I had my nose pierced, they could fuck themselves, because I understand how to dress and act for an interview and if 1/2mm of platinum and diamond really offends you, you're not a person I could work with.)

My next interview was at [Big Fancy University on West Coast] Hospital. I so wanted to love this program but I was really uninspired. I wasn't feeling the energy and excitement I felt in Dallas. It was just...."meh." Besides the town was kind of a snooze too. Also, there are 2 types of people who go into my specialty: Type 1 loves the babies and thinks the babies are so cute and omigod I luv baybees lol lol lol they r so kyute!!! lol!!! and Type 2 just gets off on adrenaline and intensity. I've started classifying my programs as Type 1 or Type 2.


Square Peg's Romantic Trials and Tribulations.

Ok Internet! Let's just get right down to it, shall we? I have been getting a shit-ton of replies back on my profile!

So one guy lives in my city. Seemed like he had some potential. UNTIL. The flood of text messages, each with "how r u" and "what r u up to" and other assorted lazy/bad grammar. NO. I give you my phone number, you call me up. You do not text me at 10:13pm on Friday asking me "wut i m up 2." Seriously. You're past puberty. Take the extra nanosecond and 1.3 kilocalories of effort it takes to type in "what" instead of "wut" and "you" instead of "u" to spare yourself from looking like a total idiot.

Also, maybe I'm a huge bitch, but here's a list of things that are my deal-breakers. As in, if someone contacts me and I look at their profile and find one of these things, I'm not writing back. No matter how handsome or accomplished or brilliant their mother thinks they are.

1. You're = YOU ARE. Your = YOUR. Learn it. Live it. Love it. You'll thank me later.

2. "Friends say I'm funny" yet in your post you haven't cracked a single joke though you did go on to describe yourself as being honest, intelligent, and hard-working. Maybe they think you're funny-looking.

3. If you posted a picture on your profile that you took of yourself in your bathroom mirror with a camera phone. Dude...that's just sad. Please get off the Internet and go make some real friends.

4. If your user name has "dawg" in it. And you're in your 30s. You're a loser.

5. If your user name has "doc" or "dr" in it. I think people who tend to aggrandize the fact that they're a doctor, or attorney, or any other highfallutin' career do it to cover up the absolute lack of personality underneath.

So, as you can see, after the above-mentioned exclusion criteria, I'm not left with much. It might sound hard-headed but I refuse to negotiate. If this is the final product of something they were allowed to work on in private at their own leisure and with the aid of books, friends, and dare I say the entire GLOBAL COMMUNITY OF DICTIONARIES AND THESAURUSES at their very fingertips, what would they be like in public? [Although, if anyone has a beautiful inspirational story about how they got past the "wut r u up 2 lololol" to discover their life partner, I would love to hear it!!]

So here's my idea: I can de-douchebagify your Internet dating profile. I'll do it for free. I want people to be happy and find love! Send me your profile and I'll spruce it up and I GUARANTEE greater returns on romance. What do ya'll think? That's my new small business idea.


Chick Pea said...

you are hilarious.

de douchbage the profile?

also, sorry the west coast trip wasn't fun... that city is a snooze... :(...

glad you had fun in the BIG D :)..

brimful said...

I completely agree with Rule #1 of your dealbreakers. And it's not actually because I am a stickler for spelling or grammar. Rather, if you are emailing someone you potentially like, or are setting up a profile to attract someone, you should take the time to check for spelling/grammar. So, to me, it shows a lack of effort.

Bummer that Palo Alto was lame (because I know you weren't talking about my beloved SF)!

Sadaf Trimarchi said...

I enjoyed reading about your interviewing experiences. My little bro is going through this for school too. The makeup/jewelry one is a test -precisely because you're a woman.

punchberry said...

The makeup/jewelery question could potentially not be a test of your qualifications or personality at all. In addition to wanting fabulous doctors, the program could also have practical concerns. Maybe there is a group of "old fashioned" aka closed minded attendings that some of the female residents don't get along with, and the interviewer was just wondering if you were going to be one of them, and how militant you would be about it.

Shan said...

It's "thesauri", since you're such a stickler. At least for purists.

Bloom said...

I also hate "definately" and inappropriate apostrophes (I hung out with my sister's during Thanksgiving)!

Delfino Rules said...

I can't believe you gave your phone number to a guy you met over the internet. That cannot be a good idea.