Wednesday, May 10, 2006

How to Lose a Guy in 1 Date

Last night I had my first (and last) date with Cute Neuroscience Guy (CNG). If you're looking for an instructional manual as to how to be attractive and interesting on a first date JUST STOP READING. Seriously. Just click away. RIGHT NOW. I warned you.

6:43 CNG calls to say he'll pick me up at 9.

6:44-7:02 yayyayayayayayyay!!!

7:02 - 8:55 Time passes even less productively than usual, watching America's Next Top Model, doing nails, deciding on outfit.

8:55 Perhaps should have a beer or something before CNG gets here. Am v. nervous and need something to take the edge off.

8:56 Having no beer, opt instead to do a shot of vodka. Accidentally pour out two shots into cup. Decide not to be wasteful and drink it all down.

8:59 Now feel all jittery. Perhaps some nicotine will calm me down. [You'd think with my meticulous medical education I would understand that mixing depressants and stimulants will only lead to no good, but clearly not.]

9:08 OK!! Here is CNG, and I am ready to go!

9:30-11 Off to the bar, have 3 martinis in quick succession. Trying to be sparkling and witty. Feeling great!

11:01 All of a sudden not feeling so great anymore. Excuse self. Take self to bathroom, tripping on chairs and walking into people along the way.

11:03 This is an unpleasant part of the story. Let's just say the words "vomit" and "toilet" are involved. Moving on now.

11:07 Attempt to make self presentable again. Take some breath mints and hope for the best.

11:09 Drag self back to CNG and overhear the waitress asking him "if your girlfriend is ok."

11:11 CNG takes one look at self and decides it's time to go.

11:12-11:18 Walk back to car with CNG. Unfortunately too drunk to ambulate in linear fashion thus requiring great assistance from CNG.

11:25 On the way home actually ask CNG at one point to pull car over so can vomit more. [In my defense I actually thought this through in my head and decided asking him to pull over was less embarassing than actually puking in his car.]

11:35 CNG walks me up to my apartment. To his credit, he was probably concerned that I would asphyxiate on my own emesis in the middle of the night so he probably wanted to set me up lying on my side by a trash can then just get the hell out of there.

11:36 CNG ends up coming in to hang out for a bit. I didn't think my behavior had been particularly attractive or interesting up to this point, but perhaps he was dazzled by my feminine charms.

11:45 You know what's worse than vomit? WORD VOMIT. Or maybe real vomit AND word vomit. In any case, for some reason I feel compelled to share my entire life story with CNG, starting with my bilaminar disk days and ending with my mother's latest attempts to pimp me out. Recollection here spotty at best, but may have cried and/or yelled at CNG.

1:00 CNG does not seem impressed.

This long and painful story ends with CNG ordering me to drink a gynormous glass of water and referring me to AA in the phone book then taking off. I woke up long enough this morning to send off an email to CNG explaining that I'm not actually an alcoholic and thanks for the fun night! [At least he'll have a laugh out of it, right?] Kids, let your Auntie Rupes leave you with this one lesson: BINGE DRINKING IS NEVER THE ANSWER.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well, binge drinking is never the answer to "how do I really impress a date?", but in many other situations, it is a perfectly acceptable one. Such as "How do I avoid studying for finals?"

Actually, your blog is filling that role nicely right now. However, your lack of posts is interfering with my procrastination. I respectfully request more frequent updates, please.

Seriously - this was one of the best posts ever. Does this stuff really happen to you? You should have your own sitcom.

TheBarmaid said...

This is the greatest story ever. Well, except for that comment you posted about the mango

I heart it and you.

BidiSmoker said...

I also am enjoying your latest misadventure instead of studying. I have to say, you warm my heart. I no longer feel self-concious about my own drunken episodes.

Colleen said...

Believe me, it could have been worse. You could have puked on him. Enough said.

Kristina said...

It could have been worse, at least he wasn't pathologically excited by your vulnerable state... Ew!

I hope this is either a guy you have to work with a lot so that you have a chance to show him who you really are on a consistent basis, or someone you never have to see again!!

It's okay to be insanely nervous before a date... next time, just go with it. ;)

Kristina said...

"Seriously - this was one of the best posts ever. Does this stuff really happen to you? You should have your own sitcom."

this was my *exact* thought! LOL :)

Anonymous said...

Potential sitcom names:

"My Rupadupe Life"
"The Fresh Princess of Iowa City"
"Everybody Loves Rupa"
"Rupa and Reflux"

OK, so those all suck. Surely other readers can do better?

Chai said...

" feel compelled to share my entire life story with CNG, starting with my bilaminar disk days and ending with my mother's latest attempts to pimp me out. Recollection here spotty at best, but may have cried and/or yelled at CNG."

hahaha. i laughed out loud for that. love it.

$@R@T# said...

GR8...
I cant wait to read about your next date...

AC said...

yes. i mean, no. i mean, yes, you're right; binge drinking is always a no-no. well 99.9% of the time anyways.

this coming from a UCLA/CNG dropout alcoholic of 12 years ago.

*sigh* ...pass the limca :>

punchberry said...

Thanks for letting us all laugh at your misfortune. Seriously, it is great that you have such a humorous outlooks on situations like this. And believe me, it could definitely have been worse.

Kristina said...

On my blog you asked me what a doula is. If you read that story, you get a doula's-eye view of what a doula is. :) Doulas support women as they are giving birth by offering suggestions, alternatives, and support. We work with clients ahead of the birth to help them prepare, (I also teach classes), and then when she goes into labor, we are the one person who arrives when they need support (regardless of how far into labor she is), and don't leave until she is showered, eaten, nursing and ready to rest. I stayed with that particular client for about 30 hours, where she had three or four different nurses, two different docs, none of whom stayed in the room the whole time to press her hips or tell her over and over she could do it, or that she was strong, or to discus why she was afraid, etc.

We're professional labor coaches, I guess, but more than just "You can do it!" we're very knowledgeable about birth in several settings, about interventions and why they're used, how to avoid things like routine interventions or unnecessary cesareans- but we NEVER EVER speak *for* the client. We support her right to choose for herself, but we never tell her what to do, or tell the staff what she wants.

Here are some links:

www.dona.org
My site - www.dynamicdoula.com
www.alace.org
www.cappa.net

Hope that helps. :)

BidiSmoker said...

I figured out how to change the Links on the side of our blogs!! I feel like I'm finally ready for the real world :)

Ah-muh-nuh said...

Oye!! Well, its a great story nonetheless :)y

Anonymous said...

hey rupes, at least it wasn't your mother you had to ask to pull over so you could vomit! i had to do that the morning after a night of drinking, and a cop got concerned (only in WI), so he pulled over behind us asking what was wrong. my mom lied for me telling him (the cop) that i just was 'sick.' your story is hilarious!!! you'll forever make me laugh:) !!! you need to eat before you go out on a date, girl- did you have an empty stomach???

~*Soul Of Mischief*~ said...

Oh my GOOOODDDDDD!!!!

**HUGS**

I can so relate. Been in very similiar situation. I have no words to tell you, but..Remember...this too shall pass. :)
Hang in there !!! :):)