Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Stupidity must be mocked publicly.


Gwyneth Paltrow had her baby yesterday. Katie Holmes -- STILL "PREGNANT." The woman is, like, half elephant.

So, apart from not being allowed to use drugs (what happens if the "baby" (I use this term loosely, who knows what's in there) goes into fetal distress and needs a C-section? HUH TOM? Do YOU know any Scientologists who can deliver a baby as well as an obstetrician can? Although I'm sure he's "read ALL the research papers" and can figure it out.), Katie Holmes is also not allowed to speak to her child for a whole week following the birth, because the newborn might associate the mom's voice with the trauma of childbirth.

The real trauma is the fact that her anti-helpful baby daddy thinks that a BINKY can replace epidural anesthesia during delivery. Hey Tom, why don't you just break one of her fingers? That'll take her mind off the pain.

Also, have you heard that Tom is stuffing Katie full of spicy food to help induce her labor? Like, I understand that carrying the spawn of Cru-azy around for the last 3 years is something she'd like to bring an end to, but I would be in NO HURRY for that pain. (But I do like that Fire sauce from Taco Bell. Good stuff, yo. You can bring me some chalupas smothered in Fire sauce even when I'm not gestating.)

Katie and Tom on their way to 7-11 for some Flamin' Hot Fritos.


David G said...

do you ever think that you read "People," a bit too much?

square peg said...

Well DUH, that's the only reason I even DO cardio.

g said...

So I've been looking at pictures of Kate throughout this pregnancy and she has like the amazing expanding, shrinking pregnancy. Something fishy is going on, note that no one has ever seen her bare belly even though exposing the "baby bump" is all the rage. Is homegirl even really pregnant? And if so is she carrying a human child? I am spending way too much time thinking about this...