Tuesday, April 25, 2006

My mom has sent me no less than EIGHT emails directing me to this particular website called www.usashaadi.com. I refuse to visit this website not even to link to it but the gist is that it's a weekend-long Indian-American meatmarket at a hotel in New Jersey. She says she'll keep sending me emails and calling me two times a day until I sign up for it. [MUST. NOT. BREAK -- Think WWJBD? What Would Jack Bauer Do if being mercilessly pimped to Indian-American dating convention in New Jersey by my mom? I don't actually know if WWJBD is really an option here. I don't think I could break my mom's fingers.] (And hello? I have an older unmarried brother! Go bother him.)

[And also, I like how my mom was able to FIND this website on the internet and had the know-how to EMAIL THE LINK to me yet for some reason is incapable of independently operating the DVD remote. It's all a matter of incentive.]

Witness the latest phone conversation:

Mom: Have you signed up at the website that I sent you yet?

R: Nope. No, I think I'm busy. Actually R doesn't have the heart to tell her mom that she'd rather stay home by herself on Saturday night squeezing ingrown hairs out of her legs and manually disimpacting her dog then let her mother interfere in her dating life again.

M: You don't even know when it is!

R: Uh, I've got plans every weekend. Through August. Booked solid.

M: LIAR!

R: Seriously, why would I want to go to this thing? It sounds like one of Dante's layers of hell. Actually one of my friends was coerced by HER mother to one of these "events" 2 years ago and apparently had to send in her "biodata" before hand. A biodata is like a personal (as opposed to professional) CV. I think you're supposed to list your height and weight and talk abour your interests? She came home with a big fat book of a bunch of stapled together biodatas. (So you can earmark the "special" ones?) I immediately went looking for my friend's own biodata, which her mother had secretly put together and sent in for her. Under "Hobbies" it said, "Amy likes to read dance and cook!"

M: To MEET SINGLES! Sighs, like, DUH, I cannot believe this unreasonable pile of inaction sprang from my loins, why is my daughter not SIGNED UP and have her biodata all sent in ALREADY? Begins lecture on why it's important to "get the ball rolling now" because "these things take time" BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

R: Mmm hmmm. Opens up handbag clearance at bluefly and clicks through the purses.

M: ...BLAH BLAH "congenital deformities" [Was this in reference to my unborn children?] BLAH BLAH...

R: Mmm hmmm. Ooh...this bag is so impractical yet so irresistible.

M: ...BLAH BLAH BLAH ...

R: Unh hunh. Decides to pass on bag and enters Handbag a Day! giveaway contest instead.

M: ...BLAH BLAH OK?

R: OK.

M: So I'll just go ahead and sign you up, OK bye bye.

R: OK, b--no! Wait! What? Sneak attack! No fair!

Anyway, so that angsty conversation ended when my mom made me promise to ask Gaya if she wanted to go. "Then you two can go together and have SO MUCH FUN! Now go call her. Call her RIGHT NOW."

So, uh, she lives far away and all, but I'm still kind of scared of my mom. She can smell out a lie before you even had a chance to say it. Even over THE PHONE.

So I called Gaya.

G: Hey dude!

R: Hey dude! Blah blah chit chat about some upcoming social events.

R: So, um...mymomwantstoknowifyouwanttogotothisstupidindianmeatmarketthingin
newjerseyshewantstosignusbothuppleasesayno.

G: I am calling your mom RIGHT NOW and telling her that we'll be there.

R: NOOOOOO! Suddenly remembers a few months when Gaya's mom was coercing her to go to a similar Sri Lankan event in LA and made mistake of jestingly encouraging Gaya to go unfortunately in presence of Gaya's mother prompting full-on, WMD-like maternal coercion.

G: You knew you had it coming.

9 comments:

$@R@T# said...

is it true with men too?
just curious..

Anonymous said...

From my personal experience, not so much. But, I think that's because it starts later for us, since we are assumed to have a longer (what's a good way to say "shelf life" without sounding amazingly offensive? Whatever that word is goes here.)

Also, it is amazingly funny posts like this one that make me love this blog and check it relentlessly when I should be studying.

square peg said...

$ -- I'd be happy to put you in touch with my mother if you're interested!

anon -- Hey, leave my ovaries out of it! Seriously, my mom's usually pretty cool but when it comes to this she's out of control. Or maybe she just thinks I'm a humongous loser and need all the help I can get.

Driver said...

Don't worry, it happens to guys too. My mom is always shopping me out, so I can find a wife "before it's too late". Fight the power.

Anonymous said...

Huh - I wasn't even thinking about that aspect of aging when I made the post. I was thinking more about the fact that men seem to be able to get married later without social stigma. I'm sure your ovaries are doing fine.

$@R@T# said...

well...its not just moms..theres aunts,uncles,grandparent...am i missing any?
And moreover i DECLARED my intentions even at slightest hints from anyone..so i think im good as of now...

T. said...

You should go! Not seriously but in the let me take a video camera and live blog this horrifying experience for the rest of the blogosphere kind of a way....Then again, I'm sadistic that way in always trying to find the perfect story to blog...

(clicked through to your blog off of SM, and now you have mine-:-)

BidiSmoker said...

This story rings very true. My sister is always getting harassed in the same manner, though I myself have always been very firm with my mother about avoiding blind dates. Nowadays I don't get bothered so much, read my last entry to see why.

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