Friday, April 07, 2006

I'm trying to decide if I want to do a rotation at [Big Fancy University on West Coast] Hospital (BFUWCH) next year. I have some good friends from California who seem to have an umbilical attachment to the state and NEED to match there next year so the pressure's sort of on them. I don't really have any geographical requirements when it comes to the match, I guess I'm sort of lucky that I'm from Podunk, Southern Illinois because I feel absolutely no attachment of any sort much less a yearning burning desire to go back there for residency.

I do however love the Midwest and really want to match somewhere here. I love how friendly even the people in the big cities of the Midwest are. I love how the leaves change color in the fall and they're the prettiest reds and oranges you've ever seen in your life. I love that first day of spring when you don't need your winter coat anymore and everyone is smiling. I love the way the earth smells after the first good rain in April. I bitch constantly about the weather but the truth is I love how much it snows in the winter and then how hot and sticky the summers are.

I'm not sure what's prompting this current orgy of love between myself and the Midwest. Maybe the sleep apnea guy downstairs is cooking crystal meth and I'm getting the residue.

But then a part of me thinks I should apply along the east and west coasts anyway, just to see what the programs are like. I'm not serious about leaving the midwest -- unless it was to go to BFUWCH. I would sell my soul to match at BFUWCH. SELL. MY. SOUL. (Satan? Hello? That was your entrance.)

Anyway, I was sort of half-assedly getting the paperwork together to do the rotation at BFUWCH, and then I was thinking how sad it would be if I did a rotation there and then the BFUWCHes didn't even give me an interview. I'm a good student but I'm not going to be the, uh, class valedictorian or anything. Okay...more like a goodish student. I'm still enrolled and I haven't pissed off the administration yet, let's just put it that way.

So I came up with several scenarios:

1. Do rotation at BFUWCH. Impress them with outstanding obstetrical prowess, willingness to take q2 call and ass-kissing skill. Get interview. This is the least likely, I know.

2. Do rotation at BFUWCH. Do reasonably well. Get interview.

3. Do rotation at BFUWCH. Get lost on way from parking garage to hospital and show up 4 hours late on first day. Receive nickname of "Magellan" behind back. Oversleep through rounds 3-4x a week. Answer every single pimp question wrong including "Where do the babies come out of" and drop a few babies on their heads. Botch a circumcision or two. Just crash and burn in manner of every med student's v. worst nightmare. Obviously, no interview granted. Rather, a several lawsuits filed. You're laughing now but you will be SO SORRY when this actually happens.

4. Do rotation at BFUWCH. Do reasonably well. No interview granted. BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE SUCK. DID YOU REALLY EVEN THINK YOU HAD A CHANCE? BWA HA HA. GO BACK TO YOUR CORNFIELDS. This is the one I'm most afraid of.

4. Don't do rotation at BFUWCH. Get interview anyway! Actually, this might be the least likely one.

5. Don't do rotation at BFUWCH. Don't get interview. I like this one the best. Nothing lost, nothing gained.

6. Drop out of medical school. Go to cosmetology school and fulfill lifelong dream of becoming hair and makeup artist to the stars. Meet George Clooney on the job and get married after series of charming and hilarious lighthearted misadventures. Maybe I like this one the best.

Eh. I'll think about it.

4 comments:

oodles said...

I don't understand much about the match process or rotations or residency programs, but if it means you'll be on the West Coast, I say go for it. There's some cornfields out here too. :)

Irishdoc said...

The match process sucks, trust me. I just finished it. I vote for dropping out.

David G said...

come to the east coast!

Kim said...

First of all, I'm ridiculously jealous of you for being as far along as you are - eight weeks and four days until I finish my first year! Woo!

Anyway, the real reason for my comment - in response to your mp3 related comment on my blog, I just wanted to let you know (since I can't find your email anywhere) that if you want any of my mp3s, I'll gladly upload them long enough for you to get them and then take them down. My song lists in my sidebar are pretty much a complete list of all the mp3s that I have. Just wanted to let you know! :-)