Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Talk about birth control

Katie Holmes, victim of neverending gestation, is due soon.

Per Scientology beliefs, she must
“Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.”
In fact, other Scientologists have started leaving giant cards for her outside her house to not make any noise during childbirth. According to Scientology, it's traumatic for both mom and baby to hear mom make noise during birth.
They think it can cause “psychic” damage, which takes years of therapy to overcome.
YOU ARE SCIENTOLOGISTS. I think THAT is where the psychic damage is coming from, you stupid assholes. I'd like to see Tom Cruise pass a grapefruit through his penile urethra and keep quiet about it. And I hope Katie Holmes gets postpartum depression. And that vitamins and exercise don't help.

I'm not done bitching yet.


Britney Spears is the new posterchild of the pro-life movement.
Dedication of the life-sized statue celebrates the recent birth of Spears' baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career. "A superstar at Britney's young age having a child is rare in today's celebrity culture. This dedication honors Britney for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision."
I motherfucking KNOW, ya'll. (I could make a ton of smartass comments about how she could actually be the posterchild for the pro-choice movement but I'll refrain.) She is on a bearskin rug (clutching the head, for fucks sakes) and supposedly from the rear view you can see Sean Preston crowning, but for the life of me I haven't been able to find it on the Internet despite several furtive hours of search. Even more than the ridiculousness of the sculpture itself is the fact that THE WOMAN HAD AN ELECTIVE CESAREAN SECTION. ELECTIVE. MOTHERFUCKING. C-SECTION.

It ... just ... wow.


brimful said...

First line of this post (victim of neverending gestation in particular)? Comic genius. Whole entirety of the post? Yeah, still comic genius.

Big fat word to everything you have written on this!

BidiSmoker said...

That is awesome. Is that sculpture really supposed to be Britney Spears? We should be thankful that the pro-lifers are allying themselves with her. It's pretty clear they're getting desperate if they choose the woman responsible for inspiring thousands of teens to get busy in order to emphasize the immorality of family planning. Oh and thanks for your message; don't worry my life isn't as depressing and my blog is.

Colleen said...

That post made me laugh so hard that people in the library are staring at me. Maybe I should invite them over to look at the Statue-o-Britney.

And a silent birth? If that is the case, she should be given a string attached to Cruise's balls that she can yank every time she has a contraction...think he will be silent?

square peg said...

Ha! Ha ha ha! I was going to suggest that Tom share in the pregnancy by simultaneously passing a kidney stone but I think I like your idea better.

Khakra said...

when i saw the sculpture, i seriously thought that it was britney humping a lion, who isn't enjoying the experience

David G said...

Ahh yes, the repudable "Sun". good reading.