Sunday, February 12, 2006

Love Letter

Dear Truboy, Driver of Semi Called

Do you remember driving west through Iowa tonight? There's a 60-mi stretch of I80 where the speed limit is 70mph. You attempted to pass another 18-wheeler, but unfortunately you forgot that in order to pass an object, you must be going faster than aforementioned object. (Newton's Laws of Motion: they are tough. I know. Especially if you're an incompetent asshole.)

Did you see me? I was one of the 37,000 cars piled behind you flashing our brights asking you to please speed up or slow down but just get the fuck out of the left lane, because you were going the same speed as the semi in the right lane. Which you were attempting to pass. By going the same speed as.

Thank you for taking the glorious 70mph stretch of highway that is one of my favorite things in Iowa and totally ruining it by making us all go 45 mph. For THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF IT. And just when you finally eeked your speed up to 55mph and passed that semi on the right, the speed limit switched over to 65 mph. Damn you!! You wasted the entire fast highway on everyone!

Thanks to you, I got home 45 minutes later than I should have. Which would have been annoying but not a big deal except that my favorite TV show was on tonight and you made me miss the first half of it. Boo-urns! That in itself isn't so bad except you made me MISS IZZY AND ALEX FINISH HAVING SEX IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET. Iowa style. Therefore, I sort of hate you. And I hate your ass face! (But I was able to catch George help Bailey have her baby. And McDreamy save Bailey's husband. And Meredith almost get blown up. And I totally knew I was being manipulated, but I didn't care because IT WAS SO GOOD.)

In conclusion, you gave all truck drivers a bad name tonight, when in reality most of them are v. nice and good drivers and will always toot the horn if you make the arm motion. And also, skill is inherited, but I just read somewhere that lack of skill is also inherited. If that is the case then I think you might be related to my neighbor who lives below me. I have seen him back up into the rosebushes under my balcony twice now. If you get a chance to talk to him please ask him to see an ENT or get a sleep study because I'm afraid he might have sleep apnea, or at least get those Breathe Right nasal strips, because his snoring is so motherfucking loud I've started sleeping in the family room. Thanks a lot.


ads said...

Bastard people.

oodles said...

Will you write a similar letter to the people driving I-5 from LA to San Francisco??!

Khakra said...

i'd prefer the truck driver over the Scary Sardarjis in Sunnyvale (the cabbies). Worst part, it's their mistake, but they make you guilty. Lacking a TiVo, cell phone... you're pretty anti-gadget.