Monday, February 20, 2006

Did you know you can flex fat?

I took step aerobics class yesterday. I had never done a step class until I moved to Iowa, and they take their step classes seriously here. Those motherfuckers are actually HARD! Have you ever taken a step class? After my first one I went home and passed out on the sofa. I was too tired to FEED MYSELF. (On an unrelated note, I've often thought a self-feeding device would be very useful. Like a "feed bag.")

(Actually, I also accidentally took "G.I. Joyce" which is a step class named after Joyce, the instructor. The woman is a MACHINE. She teaches like 3 consecutive cardio kickboxing classes twice a day or something. I innocently wandered into the studio looking for yoga class and when I finally realized to my horror that I was in "G.I. Joyce" and not "Yoga for Relaxation" it was too late to leave without looking like a total pansy. The class basically consists of really fast and tough and NEVER ENDING step routines set to commando music. It is NO JOKE. And Joyce runs around bellowing in your ear, "PUMP THOSE LEGS HIGHER LADIES!! YOU'RE NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH!! EARN THAT WATER BREAK! COME ON!!!! YOU ARE WEAK!!!!" which kind of pumps you up but also sort of makes you want to cry for your mommy.)

So if you've ever taken step before, you know it's full of crazy things like "Rocking Horse" and "L Step" and "Z Step" and "V Step" and "Repeater Knees" and "over the top" and if you accidentally wander into an advanced class you're already expected to know all this shit. I was hopping around and trying to keep up as best I could but it was taking all the concentration I'm capable of, not to mention the cardiac ischemia I was giving myself. Evidently I looked so stupid that the instructor asked me at the water break if I KNEW ENGLISH. And I almost wanted to say SI because the alternative was actually worse: I'm completely fluent in English, I'm just retarded. And incapable of deciphering the gym schedule that's posted ALL OVER THE GYM.

Also, I have huge balance problems with the step. I'm always slipping off the edges of it. Is this a common problem, or do I just have ungodly enormous feet and/or am generally unstable? I think I still prefer spinning. You still experience cardiac ischemia and odd nausea/blood pulsating through head feelings esp if you have sadistic spinning instructor who likes to come round and turn the resistance up on your bike even though you're obviously suffering enough already, but at least you're sitting the whole time. And it'd be sort of tough to fall off the bike itself.

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