Monday, January 30, 2006


I'm stuck at home with pharyngitis, which is the least glamorous of all illnesses to be stuck at home with. IT HURTS TO EAT. I'm in hell. I'm sort of having v. good time with these lists though, so I'm finishing it today.

3. HMO -- summer intern. Basically this involved me getting lost all over southern IL trying to find rural nursing homes to unsuccessfully attempt to install some new billing software onto their computers.

4. Tutor for Athletics Department, senior year of college. This was the funnest and best paying job I will probably ever have had. Hooray for athletes!

4 Movies I could watch again and again:

1. The Emperor's New Groove. I insist you go rent it if you've never seen it. This is the funniest Disney cartoon I've ever seen but no one's ever heard of it. Plot Outline: Emperor Kuzco is turned into a llama by his ex-administrator Yzma, and must now regain his throne with the help of Pacha, the gentle llama herder. It does sound like the world's dumbest movie, I'll give you that, but I promise you won't be disappointed.

2. The Bridges of Madison County. SHUT UP. Just shut up. The part where it's raining, and she's with her husband driving back to her boring Iowa housewife life! And Clint Eastwood is in the pickup right in front of them, driving back to Washington! And it's raining! And she's crying but she can't let her husband see! And Clint's crying! And he pauses meaningfully at the stop light! Oh I might start to cry just thinking about it.

3. Gladiator. I KNOW. I won't even try to explain this one.

4. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. I actually recommend multiple viewings of this one, to appreciate the subtleties of dialogue and plot. I'm just kidding. It's Bollywood. There's no word for subtle in Hindi.

4 Places I've Lived:

1. Vandalia, IL Where the hell is it? Who the hell cares?
2. Centralia, IL Winningest High School Basketball Team in the Nation. Please note that "winningest" is not an actual word, we just took the liberty of making up a word to put on that sign you see right before you get into town to make ourselves feel special.
3. Chicago, IL
4. Iowa City, IA

4 TV Shows I Love to Watch:

1. Sex and the City. All of them. Anytime.
2. Grey's Anatomy. The chicks are bad ass surgeons! And I sort of love that they make George buy their tampons for them.
3. Law & Order SVU. My favorite parts are when Stabler gets all pissed off and beats stuff up. Sometimes he'll take his shirt off too. (!!!) (I know, I know, the pics are from Oz, I used to watch that too because he would usually take his shirt off a few times per episode. For all the gay prison sex.)
4. Beauty & the Geek 2. The geeks? Very funny and nice guys and not uncool at all. Also not unattractive at all. This geek's actually v. cute.

This geek was my secret crush: he was the world's record holder for fastest Rubik's Cube solver until it got broken a few weeks ago. And when he did the Rubik's Cube behind his back to impress the girls? HOT.

4 Websites I visit Everyday:



3. The Underwear Drawer

4. Sepia Mutiny

4 Places I've Been on Vacation:

1. Appalachian Mountains of West Virginia. Totally gorgeous in the spring time. Felt bizarre seeing India-like poverty here in America.

2. Kentucky Dam Village State Resort Park. Came here with my family when I was in 11 and had v. good time saying "dam tour" and "dam car" and "dam resort" and "dam shopping outlet" and getting away with it.

3. Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri. The lake is at the foothills of the Ozark Mountains and the whole place is just beautiful, tons of outdoorsy stuff and settler and Native American history. I'm always trying to get people to roadtrip down here with me but everyone from Chicago is scared of the woods.

4. Wisconsin Dells. We used to go up there every summer. It has the world's largest water park!

4 of my Favorite Foods:

1. Spicy Grilled Chicken Combo Meal from Wendy's. I may treat myself to one today. Because I'm SICK and I need to be PAMPERED. Good thing I'm a cheap date.

2. My mom's chocolate burfi. A delicate balance of my 2 favorite things: chocolate and saturated fat. YUM.

3. Morningstar Farm's Meatless Sausage Breakfast Patties. I could eat a whole box of these in one sitting.

4. Peanut M&Ms. I LOVE PEANUT M&Ms and have been known to violate such sacred commandments as "the 10 second rule" and "not outside or if the ground's wet" to eat them.

4 Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:

1. Chicago.

2. Shopping at Nordstrom's during their annual sale.

3. Any beach on any tropical island with a drink in my hand.

4. That beach house on Signal Hill we stayed at that one time.

4 Bloggers I'm Tagging:

Anyone who loves creative writing and has the free time, I'm tagging you! I think I'd really like to see Punchberry and Dave do this, if they're in the mood.

***I would also love to see Bongsie do this!! I didn't ask at first because I thought he might be shy to blog about himself but then I actually read his blog and changed my mind. I think you know which post I'm talking about.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Happy Chinese New Year!

Welcome to the Year of the Dog! This is going to be a good lunar year, I CAN FEEL IT. Because I was born in the Year of the Dog, and now I have a Dog! The Year of Rups is at hand.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

I love these.

Sólo para ti, Srta. Oodles! Because your blog has played a small but vital role in keeping me from napping under my desk during those long y boring days of clinical research this year.

Four jobs I've had:

1. Waitress at nursing home. I fucking hate old people now. (Oh I'm just KIDDING, take it easy and just read the story.) This was during my senior year of high school. It seems like a pretty easy job, y'know: walk around dining room in manner of stewardess asking nursing home residents if they want chicken or beef. Guess what? They CAN'T REMEMBER what they asked for 10 minutes later when you bring it out for them. And then they accuse you of deliberately sabotaging their meal. Like I'm secretly hording all the chicken meals for myself in the pockets of my big ugly apron. I tried to be apologetic when they demanded something else. (The OPPOSITE of what they had wanted 10 minutes ago.) I would gently explain that we were only preparing what you specified and I'm sorry if its not exactly what you wanted right now. So then some of them would get upset and throw their beef or chicken meals on the floor and demand a new one.

But that's not even the best part: One of the women was definitely in the throes of senile dementia and kept calling me "that hussy that did my Gerald." Did as in SLEPT WITH. Apparently sometime before dementia set in Gerald was steppin' out on her. Gerald died before I was born ya'll. But she said it so damn often that soon enough I started feeling like maybe I had done something. (Ok, that's not true, but she was a big ol' cup of crazy and I was afraid of her. We would always send the other waitress to replace her overturned tray of beef.)

2. Telephone fundraiser for Project Northwestern, junior and senior year of college. Project Northwestern was this fundraising campaign to raise $1,000,000,000.00 for NU. I guess we weren't paying enough tuition. (HAR HAR! I apologize, that's totally a joke my dad would make.) The crazy thing? They raised the billion dollars a full 2 years before their goal date. I was THAT GOOD. (I was actually terrible. I felt so bad interrupting alumni during their dinners, time with family, etc to beg for money that I would always agree with whatever they said and never follow the "conversation suggestions" in the little binder. I just wanted to get off the phone as soon as I possibly could. Even though that was the whole point of my job.)

OH MY GOD there are so many more lists to make. I was so happy with myself because I thought I was half done. I'll finish it tomorrow.

Thursday, January 26, 2006


I was v. excited to learn today that people have discovered my blog by googling such things as:

1) DOG HASN'T POOPED IN A MONTH. I'm not the GI specialist, but I think you should skip google and head to the vet for this one.


2) vaginal sound. HELLOOOO porn enthusiasts! This is gonna be kind of a bummer, but I have never actually written anything about "vaginal sound." Likely that google found "transvaginal ultrasound" which I mention somewhat frequently and pointed you in my direction. No, no, stop trying to click your way through the archives, there's no porn. I'm sorry.

My friend told me that she tried to google a post I had written once and was unable to find it, so for some reason I assumed I was ungooglable. This gave me the creative liberty of writing such flattering exposes as this description of a really fun blind date I went on a few months ago. (In a moment of guilt I almost deleted it. But some things are so beautiful they have to be shared with the world. After I realized that it could be googled I immediately reread that entry to make sure there was absolutely no identifying information or phrases LGOP could fathomably use to somehow stumble across it on the Internet. I wouldn't want to give him any reason to have to contact me again. That and wish to prevent sad feelings of hurt at being slandered on Internet etc.)

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Never underestimate.

As part of our current study, patients are supposed to walk all over the hospital from one department to another, to get stuck with needles and zapped etc. So they need maps, because the hospital is gynormous (biggest state university hospital in the country, ya'll!).

But we can't just GIVE them a map. NOOOOO...that would be too easy. The last thing we want to do is have control subjects wandering confused through the hospital, so we have to completely idiot-proof the maps. I'm not trying to say anyone's an idiot, but the hospital is large. Large and in charge. When I first came out here I accidentally got off the bus at the medical school and not at the hospital, and it took me 45 minutes to find my way back. People the med school and the hospital are CONNECTED. They're barely 200 feet apart. So it's confusing mmkay?

So today that meant that it was my official job as research scutmonkey to take the hospital map and add descriptive detail to all the places subjects would be visiting and number them in the proper order they were to visit. (What? Yes, they already have this information in a hand-out and have heard this about 14 times by the time they actually get here for the study. But sometimes it's good to have the visual in front of you too. It's kind of like how I can't read anything that's not bulletpointed.)

Then my team (Team "Idiot-proof the Maps for Research Subjects") decided that perhaps, in addition to numbering the clinical sites, it might help to also LIST the clinical sites and geographical detail (ie "By Elevator C." "On 3rd floor." etc. All the information that's ALREADY ON THE MAP) in order on the side of the map.

Now the map looked too cluttered. Team IptMfRS and I now thought that because the numbers ran in order down the side of the map but were all out of order on the map itself that might just add to the confusion. So I took blank sticky labels and used them to cover up all the parts of the hospital that subjects would NOT be visiting.

Voila...idiot-proof map! And what did I learn today? NEVER UNDERESTIMATE ANYONE'S DUMBNESS. Dr. Sipe, you've fulfilled your teaching requirement for the semester. ;)


Currently bathing: the dog because he peed all over himself while I was trying to watch American Idol.

The pictures are totally gratuitous, I just think he's cute when he's all wet. Like a cute little sewer rat. (And I KNOW. He's so freakin' malnourished. He looks like he has marasmus. I blame his previous owners. I found out more information about those shitheads: I was told they were "mentally challenged" but this is apparently an Iowa euphemism for "crystal meth users."

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I Knew It!!

A HA! Look what I found today when I came home from work:


The battle against never ends in this apartment.

(And by the way, one of my friends said she could be doing the most exciting and fun things ever but if she tried to write it down and share it with the world it would sound lame and boring whereas I on the other hand could take something as mundane as my dog's poo and make it seem like the funniest and most interesting thing that ever happened to anyone. At first I was really pleased with myself GEE I AM SO TALENTED! but then I felt kind of sad inside because really, my dog's poo is sort of the most exciting thing I have going right now. Unless you want to hear about transvaginal ultrasounds. Which I charmingly refer to as dildo-cam.)

Monday, January 23, 2006

Oversharing in that crazy way.

I finally got IRB approval (one month turn-around time MY ASS -- I submitted that sucker in October) for my latest clinical research project and was off recruiting patients today for this study. In addition to 5 million other exclusion criteria, subjects can't be pregnant because we're subjecting them to radiation/drugs etc. (Hello, this is an INFERTILITY clinic. This is a bigger problem than you might think. Everyone's trying to get pregnant. We have a hard time making sure they don't get pregnant for the duration of the studies.)

Witness attempted recruitment conversation with patient I shall call "Oversharer In a Crazy Way (OiaCW)" today:

R: Blah blah blah protocol...and then we'll do a urine pregnancy test, because we can't have any pregnant women in the study.

OiaCW: Guffaws. Well I'm not the doctor but I don't think THAT'll be a problem because you'd have to be HAVING SEX for that to happen, right?!

R: Looks down at clipboard as though professional response to spontaneous and completely insane outbursts from patients will materialize. Twirls pen thoughtfully.

OiaCW: Goes for punchline. And I'm NOT. Having any. Sex. And that's why I don't think that'd be a problem.

R: Offers an awkward chuckle. Ha ha? Wants to laugh in order to appease OiaCW but also concerned about insulting OiaCW and potentially repelling v. good candidate.

OiaCW: Sign me up!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

If you're not into poo, don't read this.

I'm worried. I occasionally give my puppy Immodium in the morning so he won't poo on the carpet while I'm away at work, and now I'm afraid I may have constipated him. (And for you grammar nerds, I found a way to give the verb to constipate a direct object!)

He hasn't pooped in the last 2 1/2 days. I'm sort of afraid that maybe he's been pooping somewhere in my apartment and I just haven't found it yet. I have this feeling that when I move out I'll find this huge mound of fossilized poo behind my desk or something.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

It's Thursday ya'll!!!

Woo hoo!!! One more day until the weekend!!! After this past weekend's Busch Light-induced fiasco of hungover-ness (classy all the way here in Iowa, yo) I am pledging this weekend to alcohol abstinence. I have to write up my research and start studying for Step 2. IT IS TIME TO GET SERIOUS. I know I've been saying that since September, but this time I MEAN IT.

I was supposed to write Background/Methods of article last night but Tuesday night I was in-person call for RVAP and got paged to the ER at 2 AM. So yesterday after work I went to my guitar lesson then figured I had earned a night off and spent the evening watching King of the Hill reruns and trying out my brand spankin' new Yoga Booty Ballet DVD (yeah, it has the dumbest name ever but I vote it Best Workout Tape I've Ever Done Even Better than Tae Bo! 2 thumbs up.) And, ok, this is how I spend most of my evenings anyway until the few nights before a deadline or an exam when there's a panic attack followed by a frenzy of productivity but TONIGHT. Background and Methods: you are mine, bitches.

Update on my Spanish class: Today I finally went and bought the textbooks and coursepack. Because apparently there was homework due for today that I sort of forgot about. Or actually never knew about. (But having books by the 3rd day of class? That's, like, a personal record for me. When I took organic chemistry in college, for the 3rd quarter they switched to a completely new textbook from the first 2. I can't exactly remember why this felt like a good idea at the time, but I remember not going to go pick up the new orgo book at the bookstore until 3 days before the first midterm. At the bookstore I discovered to my horror that it was so far into the term that they had already SHIPPED ALL THE EXTRA TEXTBOOKS BACK TO THE DISTRIBUTOR. Needless to say this put a huge dent in my planned schedule o' cramming. I had to order the book overnight delivery from Amazon and photocopy 75 pages out of my friend's book.)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I'm so pretty, and witty, and gay!

Through my research fellowship we're supposed to take at least one grad level class per semester. Last semester I took Biostats, and it was so boring it made me want to gnaw my own face off. I was also taking it pass/fail, which basically meant I'd get a big P even if I never went to class, never did the homework, and never took any exams. Which is basically what I did.

This semester I decided to forego the grad school syllabus and got special permission to take an undergrad level Spanish class, because I figured that'd be far more useful than trying to learn the Mann-Whitney U test or whatever because that's what we hire statisticians to do for us anyway. So today was the very first day of Spanish class. I strolled in munching my blueberry muffin and slurping my Starbucks coffee and simultaneously checking my voicemail. I picked up a copy of the syllabus as I walked in and saw a list of rules printed sternly at the top:

1. NO FOOD NO DRINK NO CELL PHONES. Oops. (And are you serious? You're going to have 7:30 AM class and not let people drink COFFEE? In med school there was practically a buffet going every morning at lecture. And then we would use the 10 minute break between lectures to go buy more food. I spilled coffee all over myself more times than I care to remember.)

2. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MISS A SINGLE CLASS EVER IF YOU ARE ABSENT FROM CLASS I WILL REQUIRE DOCUMENTATION AND GIVE YOU EXTRA HOMEWORK. Well that's just annoying. No one cared if you missed class in med school. In fact it was sort of welcome because your empty desk gave people a place to put their coffee and breakfast.

3. BE ON TIME ALL TESTS AND WEEKLY QUIZZES WILL BE GIVEN IN THE FIRST MINUTE OF CLASS . TWO LATE ARRIVALS OF MORE THAN 5 MINUTES WILL COUNT AS AN ABSENCE. If we had that rule in med school I would have flunked out before Thanksgiving of my M1 year. I always managed to walk in about 30 seconds after the lecturer had started talking. It was an art I perfected over 2 years of daily 8 AM lecture.

4. YOU MUST TURN IN HOMEWORK WHEN IT IS DUE LATE HOMEWORK WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED AND YOU WILL RECEIVE A GRADE OF ZERO. We didn't really have 'homework' through med school, but I guess the closest would have been the 8,000 stupid essays on ethics and feelings and compassion we had to write every week. I think they sort of expected us to never get those in on time. They used to send out reminders towards the end of a unit telling us how many essays we hadn't turned in yet.

That was all the retardedness of college that I realized I totally don't miss. (And damn! I definitely don't remember being this disciplined when I was in college.)

Anyway, at the end of class as we were all getting our things together to leave the girl sitting next to me who I'd sort of been chatting with before class asked me if I had class now or did I want to walk over to the bookstore together to go get the textbooks and by the way her name is Carrie. I was secretly thrilled (She thinks I'm a college student!! Maybe 3 years of med school did not in fact suck away my youth and inner happiness and optimistic nature!!) and it also made me a little sad and nostalgic for those days of college and even through the first year of med school where you just want to meet people and make friends and you're all just so happy to be there and everyone loves each other and wants to go out together all the time and it's all just one big lovefest.

Until 2nd and 3rd year when the intense competition and brutal work schedule pits you all against each other and you start to hate everyone because you're just so damn sick of seeing them all the damn time and it makes you ill to even set foot in the library because all the gunners will be in there dorking it up and you just want to tell them to GET A LIFE and stop studying 18 hours a day and ruining the curve for the rest of us and you're pissed off at them for always knowing everything in the most obnoxious way possible and being able to answer all the pimp questions at rounds even the dumb ones like "Who were these surgical forceps named after?" and "Who is the glass case in the lobby of University of Chicago's women's hospital reserved for?" (usually Adson or DeBakey and for whoever discovers the cause of preeclampsia, by the way) but you're also secretly a little pissed at yourself because you don't have that kind of work ethic or capacity for concentration and you have these pathetic weaknesses like the need for sleep and human contact and you become a bitter mean old lady.

Whew...umm...sorry. I got a little sidetracked. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Spanish class. Muchos diversiones.

Monday, January 16, 2006

It's that time again.

Do you ever wonder if the people behind you in line at the grocery store see what you buy and are secretly judging you? I felt that way at Target today as I waited patiently to ring up my bottle of Midol and Valu-Pack of DoubleStuf Oreos and People magazine. Judge away. And go get me Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants and a pair of those sweatpants with the big elastic waistbands.

Currently nursing: This blister on my forehead where I was trying to use my friend's fancy new hair flattener and didn't realize the "Extra Steam" button was for "extra flattening" and ended up steaming a big spot on my forehead.

Currently celebrating: Martin Luther King Day!! Having spent the last 7 years in private school, we never got this day off. Hooray for public schools!

Just watched: The Bachelor. So they replayed the entire premiere where the 33yo oncologist went off on The Bachelor for not picking her. I felt kind of bad for her. Everyone's allowed to go apeshit once in a while (esp if drunk!), it's just too bad that hers had to be on TV. I was a little confused at the beginning when, after she found out that The Bachelor was a doctor, she was like, "I'm a shoo-in!" Um, hello? That should have been the first thing you learned in medical school. Most guys are afraid of you. We call it dropping the M-bomb. Next time tell him you're a flight attendant. (And try not to mention your rotting eggs.)

I was so sad when Kristin was eliminated today though! She seemed so geniunely sweet and funny. She kind of has that thing where she overshares personal information when she's nervous and ends up looking mentally unbalanced. She kind of reminds me of myself.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Attack of the Giardia!

Had an extremely gorgeous moment of Zen this morning at 6:45 while walking my dog. Tis truly the best part of my day, standing outside half asleep in my glasses and pajamas and coat in the snow and wind with my hand wrapped in a plastic baggie waiting for my dog to have his poo.

I'm sure at some point my little puppy was properly housetrained and could poop at the sound of "Hurry up" like all good dogs are supposed to but he's since gone deaf. Because he's 14. That's 98 in people years. (He's also blind and has urinary incontinence sometimes.) I think he can hear some noises though because he'll occasionally prick up his ears and look around expectantly but most of the time he can't hear shit.

Anyway this morning was extremely cold and windy (fuck you, global warming) and my dog WOULD NOT POO. I suppose I could take him back inside and walk him again when I get home from work but I've made that mistake before. Poo everywhere, friends. The sympathetic nervous sytem, it is not working so good in the geriatric stage.

R: Hurry up!! Please? Shivers, hops around to stay warm.

Dog: Frolicks around happily, tra la la.

R: HURRY UP! Claps hands to get dog's attention. Still hopping around to stay warm. Is attracting attention from early morning joggers.

Dog: Sniffs another dog's poo. (Which, c'mon motherfuckers, pick that shit up.) Rolls around blissfully in an area of frost and grass where undoubtedly another dog probably peed 10 minutes ago.

R: Bellows. HURRY UP!!!!

Dog: Is this a dried up leaf? OH MY GOD this is the most exciting and amazing thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life! I must stand here and sniff at it for a while. It's not like R is waiting for me to poo or anything.

I eventually gave up and we went back inside. And then I smashed up 1/4 an Immodium in his dog food so he wouldn't poo on the carpet.

Just watched
: The Notebook. I'm not even exactly sure why I have this movie. I must have been trying to get The Interpreter and got confused. And OH MY GOD the geezers in the nursing home are the young people having hot sex in the notebook?!? What a SHOCKING and UNEXPECTED twist.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

So today in Iowa it's a balmy 55 degrees (Cheers to global warming!) and sunny which is like summertime, it's so hot.

I was sitting forlornly at my computer woefully staring out the window at the students walking by all glowing and lightweight and smiley after shedding their parkas and welcoming some Vitamin D back into their lives, when I just decided to up and leave in the middle of the day. AWESOME. I need to do that more often. I remember in college it was ridiculously windy and cold from October until April, but then there would be that gorgeous first real week of spring when students re-emerged from their cocoons of hibernation and girls started to do their hair again and everyone smiled at each other and walking up Sheridan Road for some stupid early morning class at Tech didn't feel like God was smiting you anymore, just one big springtime lovefest. Although I'm mildly concerned that we're having that week in January now.

And what did I do with my half day of liberation? I was able to take my dog for a nice long walk while it was still sunny so I didn't have to worry about him falling into holes and walking into shit (because of the bad eyesight, you see), and then I came home and just sat around smiling goofily, I was just so happy to be home with the sun shining.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Mindless gossip of the day

(Although now that I'm doing research I like to think that my whole day is mindless, but anyway..)

ANGELINA JOLIE IS PREGNANT. With Brad's offspring. Just...ew. And he adopted her Cambodian baby and her Ethiopian baby and is making them little Jolie-Pitts. (I kind of dig that her name goes first.) Cute little family. Cute little Benetton ad.

One of my most hilarious memories from my Medicine rotation last year was when my intern and I were hiding in a conference room during a slow call day reading People magazine. It was just as Brad-Jen drama was unfolding and People magazine was filled with j'accuse Angelina. We studied pictures intently then my intern said, "She's hot, but...she just looks like her thing...I mean, y' know. It looks like it's been EVERYWHERE."

I didn't exactly know what he was trying to say but I think I caught the gist. But I still kinda think Angelina is cool as shit. And I kind of want to be her. Even if her "thing" has been everywhere.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Sometimes I want to kick myself in the ass Part 2

I spent my weekend in Chicago. Have almost recovered! Also successfully managed to break most New Year's Resolutions on Saturday night with one fell swoop, although unfortunately do not remember most of the night, and recreated events based on reports heard from others.

1. No more drinking to the point of amnesia.

2. No more junk food.
Apparently we went to McDonald's around 3AM and I ate an entire Crispy Chicken Sandwich Extra Value Meal. And I stole my friend's cookies and ate them too.

3. Be strict vegetarian.
See #2.

4. Be thriftier at bars.
I discovered this one today when I looked at my bank account online. But hooray for having the wherewithall to close out tab before leaving! Unlike that one time that I forgot to close out and was too lazy the next day to go back and get credit card so instead just cancelled card.

5. Try not to be intoxicated around family members.
Thought this one would only apply to family weddings etc but we ran into my younger brother out with some of his friends at some bar. I remember seeing him but after that it gets hazy. I believe this is also the same time as the mystery tab. I called him on Sunday to "see if he got home ok" but secretly really to make sure I hadn't embarassed myself too much.

6. No more drunk dialing.
This was the really bad part. It's not even like I have anyone special to drunk dial. The lucky guy Saturday night was this Really Nice Guy (RNG) in my research program. He seems like a cool guy but we barely know each other! In fact, when my friends told me about this I couldn't even believe I had done this until I checked my dialed calls. Oh yeah. I went there. LAME.

Last night was my program's holiday dinner so I thought all day about what I was going to do. What I really wanted to do was just ignore it but then I also sort of thought maybe I should explain that I was trying to call somebody else and dialed him by accident, just to avoid awkward moments in the future.

After dinner we were all chatting, then RNG and I happened to be walking in the same general direction. Against my better judgement I realize now may be my only opportunity to clear my name. We made small talk about sports etc then...

R: Begins lamely. So did you happen to receive a call from me at like 4 AM on Saturday? I was out with my friends and we were trying to call our other friend. Awkwardly rushes in to apology without letting RNG speak. I guess I was pretty out of it, I think I dialed you instead! I'm so sorry -- I hope it didn't like wake you up or anything. Mouth has become uncontrollable entity and words won't stop coming out. It was kind of like that time I was trying to call my friend Homa but instead I dialed 'Home' and woke my parents up at 2 AM. They were pretty thrilled about that. Hee hee. Laughs weakly.

RNG: Oh, you did? Um...nope, I usually turn my phone off at night. Must have gone straight to voicemail., you gotta be careful with those names that look alike. No worries.

R: Had not anticipated this response as friends had told her that she definitely let it ring for a while and had earlier confirmed this by checking call duration (14 seconds) so had already eliminated this possibility. Now realizes she has talked herself into a crazy corner and sees no way out. Umm...

RNG: Oh hey look at that there's my car right there. I'll see you later. Flees.

R: Is flustered and forgets where she has parked. Turns right and walks down half a block before realizing car is actually in opposite direction. Doesn't want RNG to see her wandering streets like lost puppy and is still embarassed so panickedly ducks into alley just as RNG happens to be driving by. RNG turns and makes eye contact for split second, long enough to see R scurrying about in manner of Darkwing Duck.

And that, kids, is how you spell SMOOTH.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Sometimes I want to kick myself in the ass.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm such a horrible procrastinator!! I've had all month to work on this stupid abstract and even glibly told my PI before I jaunted home for vacation that I'd finish it there. Then I went home and did nothing for 10 days. Fuck!

But yay!! It's Friday, it's Friday! I don't know why I'm all that excited, because I've only worked 2 full days this week, including today, and I haven't even actually started working yet today. And yesterday was kind of a half-day too because I spent the first 5 hours of the day returning emails and making phone calls. Then I spent 1 hour panicking about the stupid abstract. Ok, then I really worked on it for about 2 hours. Then I emailed it to myself and reported to my PI that I'd finish it at home. Had brilliant plan to stay in and skip gym and spend time working on abstract and even made plan to review EKGs as have completely forgotten all medicine in last 6 months of doing research, and was never actually that good at reading EKGs anyway.

Allow me to describe the creative process at work at my apartment last night.

5:15 Got off bus and walked home.

5:17 Walked into apartment and greeted Reflux, removed diaper from Reflux, prepared to walk Reflux.

5:22 Hmm. Perhaps should not have spent extra 5 minutes reapplying makeup and floofing hair in hopes of running into cute neighbor because Reflux peed on the carpet while waiting to go outside.

5:36 Return from walk, reheat leftover noodles for dinner.

5:43 Notice 2 voicemails from old friends. Goody!

6:37 Finish phone correspondence and direct attention to computer, spreadsheets, etc.

6:38 Check as am planning trip to Chicago this weekend.

6:40 Perhaps should start packing now so won't have to rush later.

7:02 Where is my snowflake sweater?!

7:05 I am such an irresponsible piece of crap. Why can't I just hang things up right when I take them off? Now I'm going to be all up--

7:10 Oh. Here it is under the bed.

7:12 Sit down to schedule very limited time in Chicago and decide to leave directly after Department Holiday party on Friday night. Sort of sucks as will be driving late at night by oneself/must limit alcohol intake at Holiday party etc but decide is worth it as will now have time to shop on Michigan Ave on Saturday morning, meet little brother for lunch etc.

7:20 Call Maria with updated plans and to ensure she will be up at 2 AM when I get there.

7:50 Ooh..Gaya should be back in Chicago from Sri Lanka. Decide to call her to hear about trip and also fill her in on weekend plans.

9:00 Reflux is sniffing around as though planning to pee. Must go walk him.

9:15 Return from walk. Can now focus on spreadsheets and abstract. Goody! Hopefully can be in bed by 11 so can wake up early and go work out at 6 AM.

9:47 Spent 30 minutes tooling around on the Internet instead of looking at spreadsheets. Oops.

9:48 Oh....Sex and the City will be in on 12 minutes. Hate to start working on abstract without giving self appropriate time to concentrate on it. Have bowl of cereal and watch the end of ER instead.

10:30 Should I watch the second episode of Sex and the City?'s the one where Miranda buys her own place. I love this one!

11:00 Take shower, brush teeth etc

11:20 Time to get serious. Reopen laptop and spreadsheets.

11:21 *Yawn* So sleepy. Maybe should just set alarm for 6 so can be at office at 7 to work on abstract.

7:15 AM Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Anyway, I got here at 8:30, performed my daily 1 hour procrastination routine, and now it's time to get busy! With my spreadsheets. Goal: Finish by noon!!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

We Did the Disco!

Over the weekend I went to my friend's wedding in St. Louis. My first Sikh wedding!

I was embarassingly late to the ceremony and had to sneak in the back somewhere. I fished out my camera to take pictures as the bride made her entrance then realized that unfortunately I had filled the memory card the day before when out of boredom, my brothers and I spent the afternoon taking dozens of stupid pictures of ourselves putting shopping bag over dog's head, trapping dog underneath a laundry basket, wheelbarrow-racing the dog around the kitchen, throwing socks at the dog, fastening dog's ears together with scrunchie in manner of ponytail etc. (Umm..yeah. There really isn't much to do in Centralia. We're not usually half-retarded, I promise.)

I tried to delete all the pictures but apparently I haven't figured out how to turn off the loud beeps that accompany any function of the camera so there was this explosion of beeps as I frenziedly deleted all the photos so I could actually take photos of stuff happening at the wedding.

In a rare and extremely unwelcome moment of lucidity an elderly lady of questionable mental status (She kept calling me Rinku and asking where my sister was. I'd never seen her before in my life.) sitting next to me actually turned and asked me if I could make my camera stop beeping because "you seem to be bothering the other wedding guests." Hello, pot? Meet kettle.

Photos from the reception!!

This guy was at my table (The single girl/gay man table) but no one knew who he was.

He seemed to be having a good time jamming by himself though. Rock on buddy!

At one point they were playing some really slow bhangra music and everyone sort of formed this circle around this uncle who made dancing with the napkin look fucking slick. Hey uncle dancing with the napkin? You're the motherfucking MAN.

By the end of the night, all the guys were trying to dance with the table linens. Was like that date party in college where someone's date got drunk and tied his tie around his head, and by the end of the night all the guys were wearing their ties around their heads.

I am so having one of these the next time I throw a party.

And finally, I followed this kid around for ages trying to snap his photo. (What? Because he's cute! C'mon, I'm not made of STONE. Look at those chubby cheeks!)

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Happy New Year! And all that crap.

Back in Iowa after vacay in C-town! No, not the cool C-town. The crappy C-town. CENTRALIA!

Survived a CRAZY New Year's Eve consisting of Mandatory Family Fun Time! (MFFT!) as ordered by my dad. We (ya'll hang on to your butts now!) played Cranium and ordered pizza. Don't let that racy story get around!

So much (Mandatory) Fun! Highlight of the game: I got a card where I was supposed to do Charades of 'hormone.' I stuffed a pillow under my shirt and walked around beating stuff up and looking pissed off then stuffed my face with a whole bowl of pretzels. "Um..Fat? Oh, I mean...pregnant? Bitchy? Estrogen? HORMONES?"