Monday, November 14, 2005

Oh, the horror.

When I started this blog way back 5 weeks ago I made a commitment. I vowed I would never specifically speak ill of any one person. A day would come when I would be forced to break my own rule and that day is today. This is just way too damn funny, and there is an important message to be gleaned here: Ladies, listen to your Auntie Rups and NEVER LET YOUR MOTHER SET YOU UP WITH ANYONE. She will try long and hard but DO NOT LET HER BREAK YOU. (Unless it's with this guy. Or this one. It's all good then.)

Alas, I fell victim to this very affliction. She caught me at a weak moment. I think it was the weekend Reflux had Giardia, and I was cracking under the pressure of scrubbing bloody poo out of my carpet every 30 minutes. What can I say? He was "Looks Good on Paper" (but Sucks in Reality) Guy. LGOP and I made plans to get together this weekend in Chi. How bad could it be, right?

He had asked me to think about stuff I might want to do, so there were a few shows I thought might be fun to see, and I also picked out a few restaurants I'd heard good things about. I was thinking we could compare notes and make plans together but he called a few days before and was all, "Here's what we're gonna do." Way to hijack my evening, asshole. But that's ok, some guys just like to plan dates themselves to avoid any tragic mishaps.

I was willing to give it my best. I did my nails. I even put on my DRESSY PANTS. People those pants don't come out often. I even motherfucking DRY CLEANED them and I'm usually way too lazy to dry clean anything.

So first, he wanted to go to an Ethiopian restaurant. (Q: If one is trying to make a good impression, why pick a restaurant with such high gastrointestinal liability?) So we get in a cab and go FIFTEEN FUCKING MILES to the crappiest little shithole the Chicago Dept of Health has ever approved as a dining establishment. (Making us the first people in the history of Chicago to leave the neighborhood with some of the nicest and cheapest restaurants in the world (Cafe Iberico? Erawan? Bandera? Pasha's? The motherfucking FOOD COURT at Water Tower?) to go out to bumblefuck. Dude, we didn’t have to pay $30 to go to a craphole and eat bad food. There’s a Popeye’s right on Michigan Avenue 3 blocks away from my apartment.)

So anyway, at said craphole we were stuck in a table in the corner where LGOP proceeded to talk my gd ear off in attempt toward ‘conversation.’ So, so painful. This mostly consisted of me propping my chin up on my palm and trying to act engaged while he blathered on and on re: residency and fellowship, awkward stages of male development, various periods of weight gain/loss, personal hygiene habits (and lack thereof), and neglected childhood. I haven’t tried at anything so hard since I took the Boards, and several times I came dangerously close to having my head slip out of my palm and thud right onto the tabletop.

I tried to interject with my own THOUGHTS and OPINIONS occasionally but LGOP didn’t seem to realize that I was capable of independent thought too. In fact he yelled at me because I drive an SUV and love Grey's Anatomy. (That car was a gift from my dad, you jackass. And you own Ren and Stimpy DVDs, you -- ok. Enough with the insults. Though the one I have in mind has both the words "repressed" and "bedwetter" in it.)

At one point I escaped to the loo and on my way there LGOP hollered, “THERE’S NO WINDOW IN THERE! CAN’T ESCAPE! HA HA HA!” Har har. Buddy you have no idea.

In the loo I called Gaya because I really needed help figuring out how to bail (not that there are any cabs with which to escape in out in bumblefuck). She was all, “He’s just nervous! It’ll get better! Get back out there!” all channeling my mother.

So I went back out there and thankfully drinks had arrived so that provided a distraction for about 30 seconds. Seriously, it was SO MOTHERFUCKING BORING. I wanted to gnaw my own face off. And eat it. Because the food sucked too.

Then, we took a cab ride to Andersonville, where the show LGOP wanted to see was, and hung out at a bar for a while before the show began. (What a great neighborhood. Why didn’t we just eat there? There’s a great Ethiopian restaurant there too. Either LGOP is lying about attending med school in Chi or homeboy really never got out much.)

So this is where the evening actually took a turn for the less boring: We were in a bar and LGOP said, “Remember when you asked if I had any really scandalous history with girls?” Well no I didn’t because that seems like kind of a rude and tactless question even for me but “Oh…yeah I guess” I unexcitedly faked.

“Well…I said no but that was kind of not exactly the truth.”

At this I perked up. Ooh. Could there be a personality lurking in there?

“Its kind of embarrassing.” Averts eyes, shifts around on bar stool.

Wow! My curiosity was really piqued. Boring McUnfunnyPants had skeletons in his closet? I wondered what it could be. Secret love child? Sex change operation? Bout with gonorrhea?

LGOP: I was pretty serious with this one girl for a while.

R: Bored again. Ohreallytellmeaboutit.

LGOP: Well we meet on the Internet.

R: Like on

LGOP: No at a chatroom. A chatroom for people who like movies.

R: Was bored but is now a little grossed out too. So what happened?

LGOP: Well we went out for a few weeks and she wanted to get really serious but y’know, I couldn’t.

R: Well motherfucking DUH but Why?

LGOP: Well. She was unemployed, and lived at home with her parents. And …she was… morbidy obese.

R: Cracking up outrageously almost to the point of sliding off bar stool. And that’s not your type?

LGOP: Laughs sort of uncomfortably. She was kind of crazy too. Like kind of a stalker.

R: Disclaimer: Stalking is NOT FUNNY. Except if done by Morbidly Obese Internet Girlfriend (MOIG). Envision's MOIG hanging upside down off a tree branch with a pair of binocular's in LGOP's back yard and now cannot stop laughing uncontrollably even though she knows its rude and even snorts a couple of times while slapping palms on thighs and wiping tears from eyes. People are starting to stare.

LGOP: Yeah, she finally stopped calling me a couple of weeks ago.

Later on, we were standing on line for this comedy show we were going to see and I'm dying to know more about MOIG. I totally gracelessly blurt out “Hey, tell me more about MOIG! How big was she really?” LGOP looks all constipated and says this is not really the conversation he wishes to be having at the moment. “Oh…sorry.” I say, properly chastized.

THEN, this group of 3 girls attempts to join there 3 friends who are directly ahead of us inline. LGOP bellows, in all seriousness (I shit you not), “HEY! It’d be OK if ONE of you wanted to CUT IN but we can’t have the WHOLE LINE cut in front of us. GO TO THE BACK OF THE LINE!!”

I was mortified. People were craning their necks and peering over each other’s shoulders to see who is this dweeb that is regulating the line? The girls shoot us dirty looks and go all the way to the back of the line. I’m sure everyone in line is thinking Who are these uppity brown people?

Anyway, to make an extremely long and extremely stupid story short (I've had more fun on Saturday night at home by myself squeezing ingrown hairs out of my legs and cleaning up my dog's bloody shit and I'm not even being sarcastic), we FINALLY decide to call it a night, and take a cab home around 2:30 AM. He gets out of the cab with me at my stop, and we share this awkward handshake/slap on the shoulder farewell moment. For a split second I am horrified that he might lean in for a smooch, but THANK GOD he doesn’t and we finally part.

As soon as he saunters around the corner I dash to White Hen and buy an extra-large frozen cheese pizza because I’m STARVING. And thus begins what is HANDS DOWN the best part of the date: going upstairs and making and splitting the pizza with Maria. (Maria was all, "I knew I should have made you a sandwich before he picked you up.")

Another great part of the date was the next day when I was recounting the event over brunch and I was laughing so hard about MOIG I almost peed in my pants. At the end of it Grace remarked how she kind of felt sorry for him. Sorry for HIM?? What about ME? That’s 5 hours of my life I’m never getting back.

Twizzlers, No. of: 0
Twizzlers, No. of times desperately needed nicotine buzz from: 27

Oh well, I think I’ll make it. I was happy to return to Iowa and come home to my main squeeze.

Currently scheduling: My motherfucking COURT DATE. (Please don’t make me go to traffic school again, State of IL.)

Just watched: Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Shit I mean Sith with Gaya and YasuMCA (shout out!!). Was discussing how the light sabers were much like electrocautery knives, with the clean cuts and lack of bleeding. “Like a giant Bovie,” said Gaya.


Khakra said...

Khakra said...
Rupa Loopa Rupety Dupe, what in the world has happened to you? This dude certainly turned you into an Agony Aunt

And I'll second that thought .. mothers can use excuses as simple as "your cooking sucks" to make you meet a girl/guy.

Looks like the only thing that could have saved him was bellydancing on the street...

Serena said...

O Hahaha! Awww... I hate horrible dates but that one goes down as one of the worst I've heard of. You are right 5 hours that you could never get back. I like how you wrote everything and how you explained the date.I felt the intense badness of it.

A N N A said...

MOIG! MOIG! come HAVE to admit that almost made it worth it. ;) oh, the visual...

oodles said...

That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Thank you for bringing some much needed humor into my workday!

Anonymous said...

ah, Rupal, just think you got a great story out of this date!

at least he doesn't believe in aliens---

David G said...

A few things:

1. Your recent posts seem to be very poop-centric.

2. Guys are told that you chicks want a "decisive" guy. Hence the hijacking of the plans. We are told it's poor form to say "What do you want to do?" It's much like Cosmo tells you girls to do stupid things.

3. A first date is quite intimidating...the pressure is on the guy to talk. Unfortunately, this leads to babbling.

4. It is not (very) funny to laugh at morbidly obese people.

square peg said...

I was waiting for that.

should have been a sandwich-maker said...

you didn't tell me the morbidly obese part over pizza saturday night----i only thought of MOIG as a movie watcher from MILW!!!

Chick Pea said...

holy shit.. that was too damn funny!

Anonymous said...

very very long story. please send me the cliff notes.

Bloom said...

That was motherfuckinghilarious.

Anonymous said...

Really worthwhile data, much thanks for the post.
check 7 | this 4 | nice 7 good 9 | look 5 | do not forget 1 you may 7 | superb 5