Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Big Truck Balls

I have a confession. I have really bad road rage. (This probably isn't surprising to those of you that know me.) Like, REALLY bad.

This past weekend I drove to Chicago and by the time I reached the Quad Cities my voice was hoarse from all the screaming I was doing sitting by myself in my car. (Guns don't cause violence. BAD DRIVING cause violence...there actually is a point to this: I recently watched a very compelling documentary entitled "The Science of Traffic Jams" on the Discovery Channel, and discovered scientific evidence backing up what I had already known -- you know all those times you're stuck in traffic, and you're like, there had better be a goddamn redwood tree that fell on the freeway and is blocking 4 lanes of traffic otherwise someone's going to die because I refuse to accept that I have been driving at idle for the past 53 minutes for NO DAMN REASON, and then, y' know, the traffic kind of clears up and everyone drives away, and to your shock there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING causing the traffic, no accident, no po-po blockade, no downed redwood. Turns out that BAD DRIVING is the culprit. Some stupid driver isn't paying attention and all of a sudden has to hit the breaks hard, or cuts off the driver in the next lane, and the level of breakage amplifies with each car behind him, til about a half mile down the road, everyone has to come to a complete stop.)

Iowans are lovely people with lovely quality but competent driving isn't one of them. Folks will get in the left lane and THEN JUST SIT THERE as though this was luxury driving, go ahead and stretch out and enjoy yourselves, we're not going anywhere. PROPER FUCKING LANE USAGE, BITCHES. Learn it. Use it. Live it.

One particular semi truck was really camped out in the left lane moseying along at 60 mph. (It just ain't right when the speed limit is 70 and you're in the left lane going 10 below that. I was so excited when I first came here and saw that the speed limit was entirely 5 mph higher than it was in Illinois but I quickly discovered that incompetent driving fully compensated for and even overcame any time saved by the higher speed limit.)

Then, I thought I saw something kind of weird on the truck. I squinted to get a better look -- could that be...? Were they really.....? Was I seeing A PAIR OF FUCKING TESTICLES HANGING OFF THE TRUCK?!?

Indeed I was.

A creative Google search turned up several websites dedicated to selling "Bulls Balls for Discerning Truck Owners!" This is what the website says: These vehicle accessories - truck nuts certainly make people grin and laugh. (Well that's not even proper grammar but I don't really expect too much from people who think that a scrotum dangling from the back of a semi truck is the best joke ever.) I was a little grossed out, and then I got pissed.

I'm sure this is supposed to be "Fun! and Lighthearted! and Ha ha I'm a man and I have balls! Aren't I so manly?" but if a female wanted to hang say a big ol' pair of labia off her hood ornament that would just be VULGAR and she would be SICK and doesn't she realize THERE ARE CHILDREN on the road and for godssakes won't somebody PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN. Either that or she'd be one of them LESBOS trying to send a message or something. Give me a gd break.

I went through some of the "testes monials" on the website just to see what these yokels had to say for themselves:

I just wanted to tell you guys that the balls are one of the best things i have seen on a truck. My bumper sticker says "my trucks got balls, where's yours?" so i thought i would write you an email and tell you how much attetion you get when your at a stop light, and you see a flash in your mirror! Somebody taking pictures of them and cracking up.
I hope next time it's someone trying to neuter your truck.

See my buddy and I only have half-ton 4x4 trucks, and we tend to latch down on any trailer that comes in our sight, and for that we always get laughed at by the other guys in town who have diesels, well I guess now they will watch what they say!
Yes your shriveled testes hanging from the back of the truck will certainly speak for themselves.

"People think they're hysterical," Aker enthuses. "Which is a good thing, since we created them to get laughs."

Not everybody, however, is in on the joke. She recalls a letter from one woman in particular who wrote that it was her goal in life to "castrate" any truck nuts she came across.

Shari Graydon, a Canadian media analyst and pop culture expert, says she sympathizes with the letter writer's reaction.

The past president of MediaWatch, a national organization challenging gender inequalities in the media, says this kind of "overt, in-your-face machismo" can contribute to a hostile environment for women. Graydon observes that on BullsBalls.com, customers take "enormous glee" in the fact truck balls can be both controversial and offensive.

"A penis really is THE symbol of masculinity and virility, but we haven't quite reached the stage where it's an acceptable thing to be sporting one your truck," she says, adding that truck nuts may be believed by men to be the next best thing.

(Excerpted from a journal article.)
The website's response: OH well! Can't argue with that infallible logic.

Ok, here are some kind of funny ones:

I would like to thank you for marketing a product that will help me identify and avoid drivers with severe testosterone poisoning.

That level of insecurity about one's manliness is dangerous.

Amen, sister.

i would drive around with twenty chrome girlies stapled to my mudflaps and wear a shirt that said "i love to fondle goats" while all the while lettin' my chewin' tobacco run down my fat chin before i would put a set of these on my truck!!!

Heh. He said "i love to fondle goats."

This guy was really pissed:

Yeah, and what do you say to the kids about this idiotic "accessory"? 'What little brains I have are hanging from the back bumper of this truck.' Is that an example of compensation for the lacking in another area? I type in truck accessories and get this stuff.


Khakra said...

Beautiful women, road rage, manly man cars... leads bigger and better genitalia. Like a fine story, this posting rounds off very well. The road is a bed of roses.

Rohin said...

Sadly, I've grown out of road rage. I used to have a mashed up old Clio which was fast enough to outrun people I've sworn at and dirty enough to intimidate people. But now I have a lovely little Micra I am an awfully polite Englishman. A part of me (the part that's had my tooth knocked out 4 times) misses the RAGE.

These truck bollocks are disgusting - I'm a prude at the end of the day. But I do like the attention to detail - how the left is hanging a wee bit lower than the right.

Next up - the HOOD PHALLUS. Available in roundhead or cavalier.

David G said...

I would wholly support you hanging labia from your bumper.

Anonymous said...

Those droopin' balls reminded me of a silver set that i once witnessed danglin' from a beefed up truck in st. louis when i visited arvind for the first time. they just kept going back and forth, back and forth....anyways, the desi party night was hilarious! sorry i missed the excitement from the weekend you visited while i was in san diego. see you in dc next weekend!!!

Anonymous said...

Here we go. Another fat, unsatisfied woman that has nothing better to do other than bitch about a simple little joke....hay how about this....if you don't like them, DON'T LOOK AT THEM.

elizabeth said...

Great post! I've seen these "accessories" on two separate CARS here in Birmingham and wondered what in the world?!?! Freaks.

pacalaga said...

During the first snow of any year in the mountains north of my desert town, you invariably see someone driving back to town with a giant snow phallus on his (always) truck (ditto). I worry about the genetic contributions to society of the people who spend money on things like truck balls and neuticles. (If you haven't seen them, oh please google.)

reporter666 said...

I think these truck nuts and bulls balls are hilarious, even the originals that you eat, I have some funny pics at my blog http://reporter666.wordpress.com/ I hope everyone gets a good laugh